George V. Reilly

Irish Personals

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(Originally posted to Humor at EraBlog on Tue, 04 Mar 2003 08:07:10 GMT)

I saw The Closer You Get yesterday. It’s a comedy about desperate bachelors in an Irish fishing village, who place an ad in the Miami Herald for American women to come to Donegal. It’s an in­of­fen­sive, light­weight piece of pad­dy­whack­ery in the spirit of Waking Ned Devine.

These "Irish Personals" arrived in my inbox this morning. Very apropos.

Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks re­place­ment mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.

Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Munster RFC, and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning.

Bitter, dis­il­lu­sioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and in­ter­est­ing brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for com­pan­ion­ship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life’s beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and ac­com­pa­ny­ing me to office social functions. References required. No time­wasters.

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady with big chest.

Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and dining, good con­ver­sa­tion, dancing, romantic walks and slaugh­ter­ing cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler com­pe­ti­tion at Jolene’s Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who’s not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11:30pm.

Optimistic Mayo man (Glen Corcoran), seeks blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

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