As the Twelve Days of Christmas approach, it’s time once again to make fun of them. Strictly speaking, we can’t start until December 25th, the first day of Christmas, but the Xmas season starts earlier every year.

My favorite has long been Frank Kelly’s Christmas Countdown, which was a big hit in Ireland and Britain in the early 1980s. It’s couched as twelve in­creas­ing­ly ex­as­per­at­ed letters from Gobnait O’Lughnasa to his friend Nuala. Here’s Day Six:

Nuala,

What are you trying to do to us ? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash ! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check.

Gobnait

The rest of the lyrics can be found on the Highland Shepherd site. An audio version of song can be found on the Mad Music Archive (around 00:30). And an ex­pla­na­tion of the tra­di­tion­al lyrics can be found at Carols.org.uk.