(Originally posted to Iraq at
Wed, 23 Jul 2003 06:25:56 GMT)
[Found in my email. Original author unknown.]
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ('AP', played by John Cleese) walks down the street
carrying THE IRAQI INVASION (played by an empty parrot cage). He walks into
THE WHITE HOUSE (played by a cheesy storefront) and addresses COLIN POWELL
('CP', played by Michael Palin).
AP: Excuse me... boy!
CP: (turns around and stands up) What d'you mean, 'boy?'
AP: I'm sorry; I have contact lenses. At any rate, I wish to register a
CP: Sorry, squire, I can't talk to you now. It's Code Orange! (he hastily
starts to put up a sign)
AP: Never mind that now, my fine fellow. I wish to register a complain
about this military action, which you sold me just a couple of months ago.
CP: Oh yes, the Iraqi invasion. Lovely little war, that was. What... uh,
what seems to be wrong with it?
AP: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's empty, that's what's wrong
CP: Oh, no, no, no. It's not empty at all. It's served its purpose, it has.
Freed the oppressed people of Iraq, fed the homeless, brought everlasting
fame and glory to our bulging leader.
AP: But when I purchased this dreary little police action from you, you
assured me that the whole and entire purpose was to disarm Saddam Hussein
and take away, quote, his vast stockpiles of ready-to-use weapons of mass
destruction, end quote.
CP: Oh, there's some mistake. We went in to liberate the poor oppressed
AP: Listen, mate. I took the liberty of recording your voice when you sold
me that thing, and here's what it says. (produces tape recorder)
Tape: (CP's voice): "We know just where they are. We know just what they've
got. They're buried in these bunkers right here, which our surveillance
satellites have photographed not more than twenty minutes ago. They could
not possibly be used for any purpose other than the storage of hideous,
slime-dripping nuclear anthrax chemical weapons of mass destruction. Say,
are you recording me?"
AP: Right. And when we "liberated" those poor bastards, the bunker was
found to contain little more than a twenty-year collection of Penthouse and
Hustler magazines, plus a dozen lava lamps and a mini-bar.
CP: Well, of course they'd cleaned it out before they left. Sold it all to
their chums in the Taliban, they did.
AP: I happen to know that their 'chums,' as you so colorfully put it, hate
their guts and have referred to them repeatedly as "scabrous lackeys of the
internationalist secular state," end quotation.
CP: Well, they have to say that, don't they? I mean, it's all part of the
grand scheme. Lovely little war, wa'nit? Liberated all them poor...
AP: Stoppit! All you've done is make their lives worse than before. That's
why they keep killing our soldiers.
CP: Oh no, squire. They're grateful. That's why they pulled down that
AP: I've seen the footage of the event, and the only Iraqis in the picture
appear to have had their feet nailed there.
CP: Well, of course they were nailed there. If we hadn't nailed them,
they'd've been crushed by the falling statue, wouldn't they? It was for
their own safety. That's why we liberated the...
AP: Shut up. Did you or did you not allege on several different occasions
that we had found the weapons of mass destruction and that therefore the
entire ill-advised escapade was a rousing success?
CP: What, them trailers? Well, of course they was weapons of mass
destruction. They could've used them for germs, or chemicals, or...
AP: In fact, they were used for hydrogen, and precious little of that. They
didn't even have walls, for pity's sake.
CP: Well, hydrogen's pretty dangerous, isn't it, Squire? It could power
tanks or jets or... and what about that Hindenberry thing? Let's see you
stand in a room full of liquid hydrogen with nothing but a ripe boysenberry
to defend yourself with, and you'll soon see mass destructive. Wouldn't
want to be in your shoes then! And anyway, we liberated the...
AP: Liberation don't enter into it, mate. It was a bleeding sham.
CP: No, it was liberation!
AP: Sham, sham, sham! And you didn't find any weapons of mass destruction!
CP: Well, of course we didn't, Squire. They was... they was looted.
AP: Looted? LOOTED?
CP: Yeah. When our boys was busy not looking at the museum, they looted all
them weapons out from under their noses. And anyway, we liberated...
AP: You're saying that starving peasants with no resources of their own
simply looted vast stores of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons?
CP: They carried them off on their bicycles.
AP: But a missile weighs several tons, and a bicycle can only carry, at
most, a couple of hundred pounds.
CP: They used two bicycles, with a bungee cord between 'em. They're a nasty
lot, Squire. Not like the ones that sang songs to us when we liberated...
AP: Will you shut up? Since when is it liberation to leave a people
destitute, without food, water, electricity, or law enforcement?
CP: Those things was all shackles on them. We freed 'em, I tell you!
They're grateful to us. They're singin' songs...
AP: Those aren't songs, you parsimonious prevaricator, they're protesting
in the streets, and shooting at our soldiers.
CP: They're just exuberant. Like to fire off their guns a lot, now they're
free and all. They don't mean nuffin' by it. They're just so happy to be
liberated, with Hussein gone. You mark my words; he was the real weapon of
mass destruction his own self, why, he...
AP: That's another thing. You didn't even get him, did you?
AP: You don't even know where he is, do you?
CP: We got a tip...
AP: You've been blowing up caravans and bombing cities and striking about
blindly, because your yahoo cowboy boss refused to listen to any
intelligence that contradicted his beliefs. Which, when you come down to
it, precluded the use of any intelligence whatsoever.
CP: I see. Quite. (pause) Well, then, we'd better replace it, hadn't we?
AP: With what?
CP: Well, them Iranis are gettin' pretty swaggery, ain't they?
AP: I thought you were encouraging them to rise up against their religious
leaders, now that they aren't accepting any more cakes from your lot.
CP: Fair enough. How about something in a nice little Afghanistan?
AP: You've already done that one. Worse than Iraq, if I recall.
CP: How about... coming up to my place and re-electing my boss?
AP: Why in the world would I want to do that? Why wouldn't I just vote for
the Democrats and chase you idiots out of office, once for all?
AP: Oh, no, Squire! No, no, no, no! You wouldn't want to do that, trust me
on this one.
AP: And why not, if I may be so brash as to query?
CP: Well, they're a bunch of psychopathic liars, they are, always
Whitewaterin', 'aving sex in the Oval Office, taking' expensive haircuts on
Air Force One, trashing the White House, murderin' poor ol' Vince Foster,
and claiming they invented the Internet.
AP: Point taken! Well, then, I'll have a North Korea to go, please.
CP: You won't regret it, Squire! I'll just wrap it up. (tears an American
flag off of a roll and clumsily wraps up the same cage the AP carried in.)