George V. Reilly

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

(Originally posted to Politics at EraBlog on Wed, 11 Feb 2004 06:08:52 GMT)

From my email. Origin obscure.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

  1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a con­ser­v­a­tive radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. res­o­lu­tions against Iraq.
  3. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
  4. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national cor­po­ra­tions can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  5. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of ho­mo­sex­u­als and Hillary Clinton.
  6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
  7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  8. If condoms are kept out of schools, ado­les­cents won’t have sex.
  9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies then demand their co­op­er­a­tion and money.
  1. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  2. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but cre­ation­ism should be taught in schools.
  3. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can’t find Bin Laden" diversion.
  4. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George W. Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
  5. You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter ini­tia­tives they have a right to adopt.
  6. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on in­di­vid­u­als who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  7. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what G.W. Bush did in the ‘80s is irrelevant.
  8. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of in­ter­na­tion­al harmony.
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